Full of self-judgement and comparing myself to others, I nearly dropped out of a mentorship that changed my life in ways unimaginable! In this blog, I shared how leaning into my fears rewarded me with more love, support and acceptance far beyond my wildest dreams.
Over the last 12 months or so, I had spent a large portion of my time looking for a mentor or a course to help me, as I felt the call to step up to a new level. At the beginning of this year, I came across the work of Kate Chiffey Gray, and as a result, connected with Holly, (one of Kate’s team & mentors) straight away. She asked questions, listened and she cared deeply. During our second conversation, I remember opening up honestly for what felt like the first time in way too long, and I cried as I outpoured not what was going on in my life, but how I was feeling about it all. She held space for me. And in that moment, I knew I had to commit.
Last Sunday marked the completion of the Ancient Awakening Mentorship with Kate and her incredible team. And whilst I cannot even begin to describe the journey I have been on in this time, I can say that this has single-handedly been the best investment into my personal growth that I have ever made. I was challenged. I was invited to step up. I was triggered almost daily, and early on, I resisted leaning into the pain and discomfort, but ultimately I knew it was exactly what I needed in order to progress. Early on, I even resisted connecting with others because I was passing judgement. Passing judgement on a group of people that I hardly knew based on who I perceived them to be, and I was even questioning if I had made the right decision by enrolling into the mentorship. Until one day, it hit me.
I learned that all of the judgement that I was creating was only because that judgement existed within me. I was judging myself.
And so, I started the journey of peeling back the layers to see myself as I truly am. I didn’t want to see the real me, I was scared. But I had to let go of the fear of the unknown, so I dived in. I outpoured some brutal honesty to my group about the judgement I had passed early on, and was shown nothing but love, support and ZERO judgement. I had never ever experienced that before. And from a group of people that I hardly knew. Here I was being DEEPLY HONEST to people outside of Trav (my partner) and Lincoln (best mate) for the first time ever, and I wasn’t judged for it. WOW. This was a game changer.
The program helped me understand that we ALL have our shit. Deep deep shit. And many of us have just covered it up, with layer, after layer after layer. From the outside, the layers look good. We can tell all of our friends and family that we’re ‘good thanks’. "Yeah, you know, I’m busy. Good, but busy.” Some of us may even have a level of success that has provided us with a beautiful home, cars, holidays, clothes, accessories… but what’s REALLY underneath it all for a lot of us? Pain. Suffering. Deep emotional hurt. Hurt from experiences that happened in our past that we haven't dealt with properly. Largely UNTOUCHED emotions, because we are scared of being vulnerable and being seen. We are scared of others judging us for what we have done, or what we have not done. Said, or not said. All because we have been to led to believe a false identity of who we actually are, and because of this, we judge the world when they are different, or ‘wrong’ through our eyes.
Uncovering Who You Are
You see, it is only upon discovering who we are not, that we will start to uncover who we really are. Or what we are. We are not living this life, we are life itself. Once you understand this, you will realise that all the shit that you've been hanging onto and hiding away from the world isn't actually you. They are just experiences. They are just thoughts. They are just emotions. If you attach yourself to each of these, you'll stay trapped. You'll be living a life that is ‘good’, but there is so much more. And for most people, because everyone else around them is also living a ‘good’ life, it feels comfortable. You'll feel accepted, and you'll be a part of something. So just know there is another level, so don't be afraid to peel back the layers.
About 5 weeks into the mentorship, I started to peel back the layers, and let go of the past. You see, this mentorship wasn’t about ADDING more, doing more, or thinking more. It was about doing and thinking LESS. It encouraged feeling into the emotions, and accepting the thoughts that come through at any given time. Not running away from or judging them, or trying to do something to avoid the experience of what these are. They are just emotions. Our emotions are beautiful experiences we as humans have the privilege of enjoying. And yes, even the ones we try to avoid. If we give ourselves permission to experience these emotions, they will teach us more than we could possibly imagine. They come up for a reason. Would you like to know what that reason is?
It’s because we’ve been holding onto that emotion. Our emotions remain dormant, until someone or something triggers us, and it resurfaces. This is why, we must make decisions that serve us beyond the present moment.
A Decision To Make...
So when these emotions show up, what decision will you make. Will you?
Yes. Choose that option.
Do I always make this choice? No. I still get pulled back by the desire to stay comfortable, to stay safe, to stay in what is known. But I have a 100% success rate of feeling shit every single time I do it. And I see it amongst all of us. I see it in myself. But most of all, I understand why it’s this way.
Why it's OK to feel this way!
You see, we haven’t been taught to feel into these emotions. We haven’t been taught to be ok with our thoughts. We have become our own teachers in comparing ourselves to others, in the hope that we can have what they have. As a result we often judge ourselves, and others when we/they don’t fit into the perception of what we believe to be right. We have developed an attachment to thinking that we must have more to be more. We set expectations and attach ourselves to that expectation, so every time we fall short, we open ourselves to creating more pain and suffering for ourselves. Perhaps we feel we must reach that next level of success in order to provide for the ones we love. We often become attached to the result, always hustling and keeping up the appearance of being busy like it is somehow going to get us where we want to go. But in reaching that level, we usually forget about what is truly important.
We can reach 'that level' of success and happiness in our life without having to sacrifice who we are. In fact, by being who we are, we will create more impact than we can possible imagine. Furthermore, we can enjoy the process of getting there, not just celebrating the outcome itself. Not just enjoying the time where we don’t have to work: the nights, the weekends, the holidays… We don’t feel the need to ‘escape’ from our life through alcohol, food, social media, gambling, drugs, TV etc.
If we choose to live in accordance with what many of us have been taught, or led to believe, we will continue fighting, pushing, suffering and working to try and get the result that just never comes. Because there is always more. The goal posts move in this kind of life, because as soon as we get to the result, we’ve already pushed ourselves into finding that next level, thinking that somehow THAT will bring us what we desire.
What we are, what you are, is all you ever need to be. Tune into that person. Live into that person. Be that person you want to be. Don’t be fooled by thinking you need to have it all figured out. Figuring out is not even important. BEING is what’s important. Enjoying life as it is. Start doing that, and I guarantee that you will reach a level of happiness that money cannot buy and that no amount of people, items or experiences could ever create. That’s not to say you can't have these, rather it’s about being happy within FIRST and then adding on all the experiences in life that will bring you more joy, success, peace and contentment than you ever could imagine.